1. I initially posted a very mean post about my dad.
2. Well, after typing for half an hour, I backspaced everything.
3. Whenever I think of my dad, there will always be a huge gush of feelings rushing up in me.
4. My dad is honestly one of the most sophisticated person I have ever met. He can be nice and 1 min later, as evil as the Devil himself.
5. I am confused about my dad. Its like we're from both worlds, but people have been telling me that I have begun to resemble him in terms of the way I sit, walk, even stand....
6. I don't know la, but I feel that we have no common ground. We are so different in terms of thought/looks.
7. My dad is a very imposing man. He scares me and I only talk to him once a week. Oh wait scratched that, one month is a better denominator.
8. Most of the time he sees me, either he keeps quiet or he will start grumbling about incompetent and how un hands on I am. He says I have no idea how to use my hands.
9. I have so much mixed feelings abt my dad. I love him. I hate him. I respect him. I adore him. I detest him. I am angry and frustrated at him. I feel privileged having him as my father, and at the same time hate the fact that he is my dad.
10. I think the problem with us is that we are both as stubborn. Thats probably one trait I inherited from him. As stubborn as a rock. When 2 stubborn rocks rub together, only sparks are produced. That explains alot, doesn't it?
11. The second trait I inherited from him is my extremely overbloated, huge ego. Thats also a cause of the problem between us since neither of us will want to take the first step. Actually I tried, but he just ignores me.
12. I am so lost. All he cares now are my 2 sisters. Sometimes, I get extremely jealous when I am ignored in favor of the 2 kids. Sometimes, I wish both of them were never born. But, well, I hate myself for thinking so cuz they are my sisters and I love them very very much.
13. My dad has everything a successful man can have. Money, successful business, a good wife, obedient children with good results. I look up to him and yet despise him.
14. The world's is in economic turmoil, but I am in an emotional turmoil which hurts so so so much more than the mere loss of money.
15. Sometimes, I jst feel like lying down on a patch of grass in the mountains, breathing in the fresh air, looking at the playful clouds form shapes, let the breeze blow and just forget everything.
16. Sometimes, I feel like running out to the rain and let it pour on me. The refreshing rain water pouring like a waterfall, washing away all my problems, sorrows, sadness, idiocy, stupidity, immaturity and bloated ego.
17. I feel like punching my dad at times and huging him at times, Yes hugging. I love my dad a great deal, yet I detest him a ton.
18. His face is like a huge wall/barrier etched with age and experience, immovable and forever standing there, grim, imposing, huge, casting a huge intimidating shadow and protecting his charges in his shadow by withstanding wind, snow, rain, sleet and sun shine.
19. They say that eyes are the windows of the mind while the face is the mirror of the heart. My dad's face/eyes are forever that grim and hardy. His eyes are curtained windows while he hides his feelings and never allows his face to become a reflection of his feelings.
20. I don't know how to deal with my dad. Maybe I will, someday. But I just hope it won't be too late...
Labels: Musings and Thoughts
