I've been thinking alot recently.

I really admire Ashwin and his ability to ignore everything, everyone, everywhere.

I don't know. 4 years ago, a young, hardworking boy walked into the gates of IIS, amid much reluctance. He was a quiet, studious, disciplined, lonely, diligent and intelligent straight A scorer.

4 years later, he became one of the most popular guys in school involved in everything, ranging from sports to academics. Anything you can think of, name it and he's in it. He's not the typical goodie two shoes and probably have been involved in quite a number of altercations with certain people.

Like everything in life, they come with a cost.

4 years later, amid all the popularity, this guy feels different. He thinks that his life undergone a 360 degree change, which is probably true.

Some people yearn for what this guy has, yet never understands the mounting pressure, crushing weight of responsibility that this guy've got to bear every single day of life.

However, yet, this guy enjoys all the fame and respect that comes with the position at times. I know, this sounds hypocritic.

I just feel that my life now is in a total mess. I look back and I really want to become the innocent child who walked into the gates of IIS 4 years ago. I want all the innocence, the self discipline, the diligence of that guy once again.

You know, everytime I walk into youth at church, a war of emotions erupt within me. A part of my mind questions the existence of God, the other urges me on to listen to him, to talk to him.

So far in life, everytime I prayed to God and asked him for something. He generously allowed me to have it.

I have been asking myself this question every day, "is it time yet to let go of everything?" However, everytime, a part of me tells me that it is my duty, my obligation, to finish this race.
If I quit halfway during the race, I not only betray myself, I betray everyone else, I betray God. Hui Zen belives that I should satisfy myself before satisfying everyone else. Is it true? Isn't that selfishness?

God gave me the chance to take up so many things in life, is it my right to let go of them? Is it my right to betray the trust he and many other people gave me?

When I first entered this school, I hated it. I asked God to help me. He did. He changed me into someone I cannot recognise entirely. I lost my ability to work hard. I procrastinate alot nowadays. At the same time, he gave me gifts in return that I used to yearn alot for. A healthy social life, a slimmed down body, a chain of positions.

Maybe it was a test. A lesson to tell me that if you want something, you've gotta give something you possessed back.

I feel so helpless now. I want to do so many things but yet I cannot bring myself to do it. Maybe I asked God for too much. Too much responsibility and trust from people that I can't bear to disappoint. Its killing my studies, seriously.

Honestly, at times, I really want to become Ashwin and just keep everything out of my life, without worries and just full concentration on my studies. I am only giving around 50% of my effort into studying nowadays as compared to the 90-100% 4 years ago.

I can do so much more better in my studies if I just let go of the additional baggage I voluntarily and stupidly asked God to give me.

Maybe its time? I need someone to tell me what exactly to do now. Should I just dump everything high and dry and let go? Ain't I being selfish when I do that?

I probably need to talk to an adult abt all these nonsense. I feel so pathetic now. So much that I want to do, so much that I know I can do, but yet, so little that I actually did.

Labels: Musings and Thoughts

10:10 PM